Feelings

hey -

been a while, right?

I know, it’s been some time now but I think it’s finally time I make a return.

I want to talk about feelings.

last night, my year-long relationship with my girlfriend had reached its conclusion.

currently, I feel as though I’m not allowing myself to feel everything. I have pictures upon pictures and videos upon videos of us. memories upon memories.

I’m afraid to look at them. I’m afraid to feel. I’m not afraid to say I miss her. I’m not afraid to say that she was my whole world.

In fact, our anniversary was only a couple of weeks out. And I had a whole thing planned. We would dress up and go out for a lovely dinner. Take a walk to see the stars on a hopefully clear sky. And by the end of the night, I’d sit down with her and tell her a list of promises I’ll fulfill for her. And it wasn’t just a bunch of promises on a page. It was a specific number: the same number as the day we began our journey together.

no relationship is perfect, but I believe our relationship was not that far off from it. you couldn’t write this better. however, certain circumstances didn’t allow us to spend the rest of our lives together, and I’m learning to believe that everything happens for a reason.

maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, maybe it was, just not now. I’m not sure.

when we said our goodbyes last night, there was no aching feeling in my heart. we slow danced on our final night together and I found a sense of closure.

in the nights leading up to this, I lost so much sleep. I sensed that something was on the horizon. I cried and felt so much. now that it’s officially over, I hardly feel anything. I don’t have much sense of direction at this point. I could go as far as to say I’m numb. I’m not in the mood to look at things head-on.

I feel that I don’t be able to love again for a while. I don’t know how long a while is. I gave her my all. I could confidently say that I tried everything and exhausted all my options because I was comfortable pulling the plug on us too.

and that’s perfectly okay. I’m learning to realize that it’s okay. I’m grateful for the time. I’m grateful for the experiences. I’m grateful that I tried everything I could, so there’s no regrets. Only regret I have are the underlying causes at-hand, I wish it were different. I really wish it were different. But hey, it’s a learning experience that requires so much self compassion and self acceptance.

I’m confident to say that I’m not okay, because I’m really not.

but I’ve eventually find my way back.

See you soon.

• Ethan